Thursday, December 17, 2009

Six reasons not to have kids

So I did my ten real reasons to have kids.  I think I should post reasons not to have them.  I'm not talking about the old "your body never goes back" kind of things.  Those reasons just don't seem to matter once you have kids.  These are six real reasons not to have kids, that still do matter once you have them (in no particular order).

4 - Head lice.
With communal child care, be it daycare or school, comes many communicable diseases.  Those are to be expected.  Anyone can handle wiping noses and the occasional vomit.  But, along with the communicable diseases comes communicable parasites.  I just spent the better part of the week picking lice and eggs out of all four of my kids' hair and not once did I ever think "oh, but having kids is just soooooo worth it!"  (Although, there was the satisfying little pop the lice made when I squished them.  That was kind of cool.)

1 - Whining.
I. Hate. Whining.  A kid in the throes of a tantrum?  Yeah, that I can take.  After all, it's just their way of expressing themselves and it usually can be fixed with a big ol' hug.  But whining?  Ugh.  Every kid ever born at some point or another will whine.  And as they're turning a one syllable word into two or three syllables ("Mooooo-ooooooo-oooommmmm!"), there is no amount of rainbows and kittens that will make it better.  A whining kid will bring anyone out of their happy place.  I always tell my kids to "ask again with a smile on your face" when they whine.  It's impossible to whine with a smile on your face.  Try it.  But, this usually results in more whining that they "doooo-oooon't waaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaannnnaaa-aaaaa".

4 - Parent teacher night.
There is nothing quite like being stuck in a room full of parents who think their child is the most precious and special thing to ever grace the face of the planet.  Parent teacher night seems to be the best (or worst I suppose) place to witness this.  So, as you're standing there looking at your child's art and ooohing and aaaahing privately with them, there will be at least seven other sets of parents who will be competing with each other to be heard over everything else in the room.  "Oh Johnny! That's just the most beautiful silhouette I have ever seen!  You are the most talented artist in this class!"  "Uh, mom/dad? That's Kelly's.  Mine's over here".

5 - Never ending adive from other parents.
I'm dong it all wrong.  I've learnt that from many people.  Unfortunately, punching them is illegal so if you have kids, you just have to put up with it.

6 - Laundry.
My mom will tell me to suck it up and that I have it easy.  To hear her tell it, when she was first married, they had a laundry situation that looked like this:

But even someone who doesn't mind laundry would piss and moan at all of the extra stuff that needs to be done with even one kid.  They're dirty little buggers, they are.  And they don't care about the extra work they make for you.

3 - Routine, routine, routine.
I'm not a routine person.  I like some semblance of a routine, but I firmly believe that routines are made to be broken.  Not so with kids.  Here is my weekly routine: Monday - Laundry.  Tuesday - Clean the house day. Wednesday - Grocery and baking day.  Thursday - Clean the basement day. Friday - My day.  Weekends - Running around.  So, if on Monday I decide to break my routine and forget the laundry to wrap the Christmas presents, we run out of clean clothes and I'm left doing laundry on my day.  If I don't clean the house on Tuesday, it gets unlivable by Thursday.  See where I'm going with this?  Now, I know all of that is true for people who don't have kids, but scrambling for clean clothes or foraging for food when I don't get groceries was doable when it was just me and my husband.  Annoying, yes.  Doable, yes.  But, once I added a kid into the mix, that routine had to be kept.

2 - Bedtime stories
You may hear some parents tell you how they love to read to their kids.  Well, I do too.  But, how many times can I read "The Going To Bed Book"* without wanting to throw the darn thing across the room.  I can actually recite it by heart.  *ahem*
The sun has set not long ago.
Now everybody goes below.
To take a bath in one big tub.
With soap all over SCRUB SCRUB SCRUB!
They hang their towels on the wall.
And find pyjamas big and small.
With some on top and some beneath.
They brush and brush and brush their teeth.
And when the moon is on the rise.
They all go up to exercise!
Then down once more but not so fast.
They're on their way to bed at last.

The day is done, they say goodnight.
And somebody turns off the light.
The moon is high, the sea is deep
They rock and rock and rock to sleep.
I would like to change it up a bit and maybe read Fox in Socks more often, but The Going To Bed Book is the required reading around here.

So, if you don't have kids or don't want kids, the next time someone asks you why, you can add these reasons to arsenal.

*Good gracious, people are just so stupid.  While typing this out, I decided to check out what other parents think of The Going to Bed Book.  I really don't mind it.  The pictures are cute, the rhymes are soothing and the very last line just encourages you to rock your kids.  A break from it would be nice, but it's nice and cute.  Here's what one reviewer said about it:
They take their baths, put on their pajamas and brush their teeth. Now this is the part where I had a teensy problem...after brushing their teeth, the characters all go and exercise before going to bed. Now I don't know about you, but a two-year-old exercising before bedtime around here is a recipe for...well...a two-year-old not going to sleep. So I freely admit that I kind of skip that page....
I do recommend the book if you don't have a problem with the exercise bit or if you have a child who does NOT feel the need to mimic everything they see or read. It really is a lovely toddler's book for either gender.
Seriously?  People have a problem with a book showing cartoon animals exercising right before bed.  They think their kids will actually want to mimic that?  Some parents even said the skip over that part.  People are just so stupid.  (Which brings us right back to my point number five, doesn't it?)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A not so nice memory

Why do people take pictures of and publicly post kids doing things that would embarrass them if their friends found out?  Here's the scenerio:

I'm eleven years old.  I live with my mom, sister and brother in the end unit of a decent townhouse complex.  My sister hates me and does whatever she can to make my life hell (no longer the case, just to clear that up).  Due to this, I have what I call "bathroom issues" (since resolved, I'm happy to say).  One day, I have to utilize the facilities for an extended period of time (take a dump) but I don't want to stop practising my trumpet (because I'm a geek).  So I decide to take my trumpet into the bathroom with me, seeing as how I'm home alone.  The lock on said bathroom is non-functioning for some reason (probably due to something me, my sister or brother did).  While I'm playing and doing my business, my sister comes home and flings the door open and starts laughing at me.  Then she decides that isn't enough humiliation and yells out the windows "Sara plays the trumpet on the toilet!".  Then she decides that himiliation also is not enough and goes back out and tells all of the kids playing out in the complex about it.

This is the exact same thing as when people post embarrassing pitcures of their kids on Facebook.  I'm not talking about little kids doing crazy little kid things.  I'm talking about older kids doing off the wall oder kids things (like playing their trumpet on the toilet).  Sure it's a funny story to share with your friends but visual aid is not required and never in a place where their friends may come across it.  When their parents comment on that picture, it will show up in the feeds of the kid's friends if they are Facebook friends with their parents.

So, parents, stop it.  Your kids will suffer through humiliation enough just by going through puberty.  You don't need to add to it.  Besides, do you want them to feel like I do now when I think about that incident?  No you don't, because I can tell you that I don't get the warm fuzzies about my sister when I think about it.