Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Holy mother of hell (please don't read if strong language offends you)

Let me apologize in advance for this.   I am working on a new post that is much more fun than this and I'll have it up in a couple of days.  I have been trying to make this post more constructive and more productive but I can't.  I guess people can just use it to see what raw emotions come with living with a critical/chronic illness. These emotions are not just mine.  They are the emotions of the families dealing with the any number of illnesses.

They fucking cancelled Kevin's surgery!  No reason was given why and no date has been rescheduled.  God damn it!  Have we not been through enough?  Did they really have to do this to us?  Sure, those fucking doctors can go on and live their charmed lives and take their fucking vacations, we'll just put up with all of this bullshit for another few months, years, decades or whatever.

So, doctors, first, you tell us it can be fixed and then the very next day tell us it can't.  Then a year later you tell us it's not good and normal that Kevin is going paralysed and say you need to fix it.  And then after the five hour procedure you tell me that it wasn't fixed and can't be fixed the normal way because it's too close to a major artery.  Then you leave it up to me to tell Kevin this.  You didn't even bother telling him in the two hours he was in recovery and I couldn't see him.  Thanks for that you pricks.  Then a year later you want to try a new procedure.  And then a week and a half before the surgery is to happen you call us and cancel without giving us a reason or reschedule date.  FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

You know, Kevin and I have been nothing but patient.  When we go to the ER, we know that if we wait a long time for results it means that Kevin isn't a priority and it makes us happy!  It's when things go fast that makes us worry.  We have been kind and understanding and now you're just tromping all over us.  No more!  The squeaky wheel gets the grease and we will be that squeaky wheel.  Kevin is getting worse and worse and our patience has just run out.  You can toy with someone only so much before they snap.

People often ask me how I'm doing and I always say that I may be hanging by a thread but that thread is made of titanium so I'll be fine.  But even titanium has its breaking point.

I will go back to being optimistic in a couple of days.  For now, I'm going to be mad.


  1. Oh hon. I am so sorry. :( This sucks big time! I am furious FOR you! I was shaking yesterday when I got your PM. All of us at TPP that know why you're taking a break are furious! We love you!!!! What you need is to go out with a friend & have a few drinks. I really wish I was close enough to do it.

  2. Me too. :( I just need to get away. So does Angel. And I'm getting hints that Blythe may need some "time off" too. (Don't know what's up, don't want to know. Just had someone mention to me that there are some of us who need a break and she was among us.) Sigh... I'm going to bed. I think I'll be back at TPP tomorrow.

  3. I need one too. I so wish that you could come to Reno with us. Last weekend of Jan if you can!!!

  4. LOL Not likely. I can't leave the kids with Kevin. His meds make him too cranky to be left with them for a few days. Maybe next time, though. :)

  5. That is so terrible they'd do that to your family, especially to him!